I am in a really dark place right now. I have had more downtime than I am use to and that gives me more time to miss everyone at home. I don't feel a calling here anymore and truthfully didnt at about a month before I left. I am praying that God will comfort me and its not happening...at all. I am in the word multiple times daily and although I am reading what I know to be true, I just dont feel it at the time. I dont feel like I can be used here. The language barrier is more difficult than it was the first time I was here. My head pounds at the end of each day I think from concentrating on them speaking and trying to understand. The joy that I experienced the first time is not here and that was something I didn't expect. I am an emotional ticking time bomb and when I feel a meltdown I head to my room which takes time away from me being with the kids. The kids are great and the missionaries (Angie and Andrew) are phenomenal! If it wasnt for them and Angie listening to me breakdown, I would be home right now.
I didnt expect things to be easy. I knew I would be up for a fight in knowing why I am here but I also felt like I could feel the comfort from the one who sent me here. Last night I was able to skype with my care group back home. You guys are awesome and I truly did not realize until this week how blessed I am to have people that I can be completely honest on where I am in my life...no matter how high or how low I am. They gave me verse after verse to confirm that I am where I am supposed to be although I don't feel that. I wish I could remember who gave me this one because this is exactly how I feel:
Psalm 13
1 How long, O LORD? Will you forget me forever? How long will you hide your face from me?
2 How long must I take counsel in my soul and have sorrow in my heart all the day? How long shall my enemy be exalted over me?
3 Consider and answer me, O LORD my God; light up my eyes, lest I sleep the sleep of death,
4 lest my enemy say, "I have prevailed over him," lest my foes rejoice because I am shaken.
5 But I have trusted in your steadfast love; my heart shall rejoice in your salvation.
6 I will sing to the LORD, because he has dealt bountifully with me.
This week I am hoping to start a Bible study with the girls...I hope for 2 nights a week. I want to take the relationships here deeper and I cant think of a better way. Pray this is well received with the girls!
I want to enjoy it here and be used but I don't see the light at the end of the tunnel...I have such a long way left to go! This week is a new week and this morning is a new morning. Please pray for strength...I am all out! Thank you for all the encouragement you have given me so far...it means more than you know!
LB
Me and Emmanuel...Sweet boy!
Thank you for being so candid and honest with your words on here; it was a blessing for me just to read them. I've been praying for you already but this is my week to do it especially so know that you'll be lifted up in all of the specific ways you mentioned above today and tomorrow and the next day and the next. We love you here in TN but that's nothing compared to how much God loves you.
ReplyDeleteAnd because I just read this today:
"More than that, we rejoice in our sufferings, knowing that suffering produces endurance, and endurance produces character, and character produces hope, and hope does not put us to shame, because God's love has been poured into our hearts through the Holy Spirit who has been given to us" (to you!) Romans 5:3-5
Unfortunately, sometimes it starts with suffering but endurance comes next :)
Love to you!! xoxox
Katie Lewis
Thank you Katie! I am feeling your prayers already! Yesterday was much better and I look for each day to be just as good. I know that in order for my faith to be stronger there must be suffering. Makes it no easier but it is somewhat comforting. Miss you and love you!
DeleteLaura
Laura, thank you for being open and honest in your posting because it gives us a clear prayer path for you. You are a woman of courage and strength. The Lord wants you to be dependent on Him and he will supply all your needs. We love you and will be faithful to pray for you daily. Ellen
ReplyDeleteLaura you are a great example to so many. I love that you are being openly honest so we know what to specifically pray for!!! I hope and pray things get better and you can feel those amazing feelings that you felt before that pulled you back there! Keep up the amazing work. Love and miss you!
ReplyDeleteBrooke
Keep your chin up! The best things in life we do are the things we don't understand or feel comfortable doing while they are happening! Praying for you!
ReplyDeletetim
Laura, I'm praying for strength and focus for you. Focus on God. Even though you don't feel HIM, he is perfecting you at this very moment. He's perfecting you when you are alone in bed crying, when you are homesick - He's working, be sure of it. When you left Nashville, you thought you would be ministering to the children, but perhaps God sent you to Haiti so that "HE" would minister to you. I've had some experience with suffering over my many years, and here are some things that helped me during the suffering events, they may not work for you, but I'll share them and you can decide whether to try them or not. In suffering what I've learned is you take the day a little at a time. Maybe it's hour by hour, or half hour by half hour (sometimes for me, it was minute by minute). Don't look at the entire day, and definitely don't look ahead, it is too overwhelming. Take comfort from those that love you when you can. It's like a balm for your spirit. Listen to their encouragement and soak it in. Remember their comforting words when you need them. Look to God's word for comfort. I've about worn out Psalm 13 over the years. I love that David wailed out to God, but by the end, He was praising HIM. And, we know that God was faithful to David. God is big enough for you to wail out to HIM. I don't know if you have music with you, but that also was a huge support for me. Music can transport you through the pain. Another thing that was very helpful to me when I was going through my worst chemo, there were days, that I had to say out loud the blessings in my life that God had showered down on me. I needed to take myself out of my pain reality for a moment. I just needed relief, if only for a moment. So, I began recited the things that I was so thankful for. I remember walking down the road alone, just talking to my self reciting out loud all the things I was thankful for, repeating them over and over. At the time, I called that my "positive self talk", but actually, it was me thanking God out loud for all the positive things he has done in my life. God deserves that thankfulness, and I always felt a lighter burden after reciting my blessings, and girl, there are so many people in your life that love you to pieces! Mercy! And the prayer cover that is embracing you is remarkable! Another thing I did in my worst suffering, was just to say the name of Jesus out loud, over and over. Talking out loud helped me more than silently meditating, although I said the name of Jesus in my mind a lot. I know that sounds weird, but I didn't have to pray my words and feelings, I just called out to him for help, and every time, he came to me and lightened my suffering for the moment. I was just too emotionally exhausted to recite to Jesus my pain - I was living it, and I didn't want to "relive" it by saying my pain out loud. He didn't take my suffering away in the moment because suffering is a process, but HE helped me get through the painful moments. If you are in Jesus, and you are sweet one, that suffering is going to change you for the better. As hard as it is to suffer, for me, I would not go back and eliminate one of my sufferings events. I know that you are going to feel that way when you finally get back to Nashville, and I also know how hard it is to live in the suffering moments, so I want to encourage you that your GOD is so good that he is going to make something very mighty come out of this experience in your life. In the meantime, take comfort in the fact there are countless prayers going up to the Father in your behalf. You are loved. Verna
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