Week 1- How long, O Lord?

My first week at Hands and Feet in Grand Goave is complete and the start of my second is here. The week started out rough in the traveling here. I will be the first to go on the record and say that I loathe the Port Au Prince airport. Don't go by yourself unless you have thick skin. A team came in the same day I did so I was able to do basically a mission trip with them. They were great people and was so thankful to meet them. A few things that we did was just painting around the orphanage mostly then one day went up to the new location about a mile up the road and helped lay the concrete for the foundation...by hand! We literally made long lines and we passed buckets with concrete down the line. It was brutal but so much fun to work with the Haitians on that. No one knew what each other was saying but somehow there was order and understanding...I love when that happens. The team left out Friday morning and to be honest, I so wanted to go home with them.

I am in a really dark place right now. I have had more downtime than I am use to and that gives me more time to miss everyone at home. I don't feel a calling here anymore and truthfully didnt at about a month before I left. I am praying that God will comfort me and its not happening...at all. I am in the word multiple times daily and although I am reading what I know to be true, I just dont feel it at the time. I dont feel like I can be used here. The language barrier is more difficult than it was the first time I was here. My head pounds at the end of each day I think from concentrating on them speaking and trying to understand. The joy that I experienced the first time is not here and that was something I didn't expect. I am an emotional ticking time bomb and when I feel a meltdown I head to my room which takes time away from me being with the kids. The kids are great and the missionaries (Angie and Andrew) are phenomenal! If it wasnt for them and Angie listening to me breakdown, I would be home right now.

I didnt expect things to be easy. I knew I would be up for a fight in knowing why I am here but I also felt like I could feel the comfort from the one who sent me here. Last night I was able to skype with my care group back home. You guys are awesome and I truly did not realize until this week how blessed I am to have people that I can be completely honest on where I am in my life...no matter how high or how low I am. They gave me verse after verse to confirm that I am where I am supposed to be although I don't feel that. I wish I could remember who gave me this one because this is exactly how I feel:

Psalm 13
1 How long, O LORD? Will you forget me forever? How long will you hide your face from me?
2 How long must I take counsel in my soul and have sorrow in my heart all the day? How long shall my enemy be exalted over me?
3 Consider and answer me, O LORD my God; light up my eyes, lest I sleep the sleep of death,
4 lest my enemy say, "I have prevailed over him," lest my foes rejoice because I am shaken.
5 But I have trusted in your steadfast love; my heart shall rejoice in your salvation.
6 I will sing to the LORD, because he has dealt bountifully with me.

This week I am hoping to start a Bible study with the girls...I hope for 2 nights a week. I want to take the relationships here deeper and I cant think of a better way. Pray this is well received with the girls!

I want to enjoy it here and be used but I don't see the light at the end of the tunnel...I have such a long way left to go! This week is a new week and this morning is a new morning. Please pray for strength...I am all out! Thank you for all the encouragement you have given me so far...it means more than you know!

LB


Me and Emmanuel...Sweet boy!

Happy New Year from Haiti!

These kids don't mess around when they celebrate the new year! Singing praise songs with maracas and whistles...Wonderful! I am taking a breather. Hashtag for it would be #loudasallgetout. Dinner was a weenie roast with s'mores...Like being at home!

Hope you all have a wonderful New Years! So thankful to start this year off like this!

LB

T Minus 3 days!

Three days until take off! I leave out at 6am on Saturday and the reality of this is setting in. I have no idea how to even begin to put in words all the emotions that are running through me right now. Sad, nervous, scared, excited...just to name a few. I am so sad to leave my family and friends right now its not even funny. I am nervous just because I guess of the unknown. I know once I actually get to Haiti I am going to be in the same mind frame that I was in when I came back. Part of me wishes I wouldn't have waited 5 months to go back because I feel like some of the momentum has died down but I know this is God's timing and that is perfect. I guess its human to lose momentum if its not something you are emersed in but it was definitely something I didnt think I would ever forget. One of my favorite quotes is by C.S. Lewis in The Weight of Glory "We are half-hearted creatures, fooling about with drink and sex and ambitions when infinite joy is offered us, like an ignorant child who wants to go on making mud pies in a slum because he cannot imagine what is meant by the offer of a holiday at the sea. We are far too easily pleased.". I am like the ignorant child right now...and I have even experienced that joy in Haiti before! Not saying that my family and friends aren't that important but that God's plan is so much bigger than all of that. I am an idiot! I have the worlds worst memory but I definitely remember everything that I thought when I was in Haiti and when I came home but I cant remember that emotion. If I could currently feel that, I believe it would override the sadness, nerves, and worry. Like we say at church, I am "walking in the light". Being transparent. I will be the first to say, following God can be so hard! I still have no idea what my gifts are that will be used at this point and not a clue what all God is going to do. That is something that is exciting to me right now. Not to mention a completely new chapter in my life. Eighteen weeks really is not that long and I know that at the end of it all, I am going to wish I had more time there.

Today was a sweet Christmas Day. This was the first year I can honestly say I did not want anything materialistic...although mom and Pa gave me new garden boots...its my equivalent of a Michael Kors watch or something. Mud will look great on these boots! But all joking aside, I loved being with the family. The kids are loud and sometimesI get cranky but I am still thankful for the chaos! I definitely think I reflected on that more this year than ever because of me going to Haiti.

I would appreciate any prayers you have time to pray for me. I have a way of making a joke out of anything to avoid sadness or something serious but I am not even able to do that at this point. Please pray that God will just give me grace that I would go whole-heartedly, not even have a chance to miss home, and complete what he is sending me to do. 

LB

Thank you thank you!!!!

I am so blessed to be able to say that you all have funded my mission to Haiti! You all are awesome and I am so thankful God has surrounded me with strong supporters of spreading the gospel! I know what a sacrifice you all made in order to give so generously and I cannot thank you enough!

Now that everything is fully funded and there is no longer the need for anyone to donate money. In the next week I will be getting together a list of other needs that I will be able to take with me for the kids at the orphanage or the missionaries as well as just a few items I need that you may have lying around your house! I will be updating again in the next week or so....so be on the look out!

Thank you again to everyone who financially supported this!

O me of little faith...

 Matthew 6:25-34
²⁵ “Therefore I tell you, do not be anxious about your life, what you will eat or what you will drink, nor about your body, what you will put on. Is not life more than food, and the body more than clothing? ²⁶ Look at the birds of the air: they neither sow nor reap nor gather into barns, and yet your heavenly Father feeds them. Are you not of more value than they? ²⁷ And which of you by being anxious can add a single hour to his span of life? ²⁸ And why are you anxious about clothing? Consider the lilies of the field, how they grow: they neither toil nor spin, ²⁹ yet I tell you, even Solomon in all his glory was not arrayed like one of these. ³⁰ But if God so clothes the grass of the field, which today is alive and tomorrow is thrown into the oven, will he not much more clothe you, O you of little faith? ³¹ Therefore do not be anxious, saying, ‘What shall we eat?’ or ‘What shall we drink?’ or ‘What shall we wear?’ ³² For the Gentiles seek after all these things, and your heavenly Father knows that you need them all. ³³ But seek first the kingdom of God and his righteousness, and all these things will be added to you.

³⁴ “Therefore do not be anxious about tomorrow, for tomorrow will be anxious for itself. Sufficient for the day is its own trouble.

I should know this scripture by heart. Heard it a million times but I am by far the biggest worrier alive!

This is a picture of my home. I am so thankful for this little house on a hill. We just found out that this house is pretty much covered for the time I am in Haiti thanks to refinancing…Thanks to my mom's hard work on that! Deep down, I was SO worried about what was going to have to happen in order for the house to get paid for…just as He promised, God has totally come through. One of my favorites songs is by M. Ward called "Save Me". Amazing that I know this song by heart but I never remember it when I need to. Basically he talks about how God does all these beyond amazing things (a breath is enough to fill a sail, shifting in his "sleep" makes an earthquake, turns the night to day) but then goes on to say "so how much effort could it possibly take to save me?". Amen! All the doors opening and shutting that are so big to me is such a piece of cake to him. I don't see the reason for worrying just everything that says not to worry. I don't know if its more of me thinking, "He CAN'T work this out" or "He WON'T work this out"…a lot of both. Either way, I am way underestimating not only His power but His grace. I have lived in this house for 5 years almost but before that, I lived not even 3 miles from here. I have literally lived in Whites Creek my whole life with maybe 75% of my family within a 3 mile radius. What an adjustment Haiti will be! 

I don't want everything to seem like its been super easy and no struggle at all. Honestly, everything that is here that needs taken care of has been easy. Emotionally prepping for Haiti, on the other hand, has been a definite struggle the last 2 weeks…almost solid. I have had a constant thought that I am not qualified to go and spread the gospel in Haiti and that I am being set up for failure. Last Sunday was the worst day I have had in a very long time. The kind of day where its beautiful outside but everything I did seemed to be off a little. I was paranoid for no reason, I woke up in a bad mood, went to church and put a smile on my face but was not ok. During the sermon I was all ears when Pastor Ray spoke about how we are not good and not deserving of God's love mercy and grace. I zoned out when he spoke about how although thats true, the gospel is that Christ loves us SO much that he took everyones place and died a perfect death and conquered the grave so that he could shower us with love, mercy, and grace and STILL be able to use us for his glory. So difficult to understand that kind of love. There is no doubt that the funk I was in and the zoning out was the devil trying to do anything he could to get in the way of spreading of the gospel. Its amazing that I am one person going, and the devil doesn't even want one person to spread the good news. He knows himself how powerful God is. That God is able to use even one person in a huge way that I am hopeful will destroy Satan's strong hold in Haiti and all over the globe. I can't wait to see how God uses this loved, unqualified person! 

October Update!!!

  

I'm going to have to say that the theme of this Haiti mission is definitely that God is the     ultimate problem solver! Every time something has come up that I think is for sure going to keep me from going to Haiti, God's totally got it covered! Two pretty miraculous things have happened that I just want to share.

First-I received a call last week from one of the guys in charge of global missions at church letting me know that Immanuel would love to help support me in any area that they can! What a blessing to know that an entire church is so supportive and willing to do what it takes to get me one step closer. Just for the record…Immanuel is literally #1 when it comes to cheering on each other (especially when it comes to something like this). I cannot even count how many people have sent me random text messages and emails of encouragement…I am so blessed to even know them!

Second-Since I received the confirmation that I am going to Haiti, my car has been in the back of my mind. Silly…since it's only a material thing. I have been thinking…ok, I can sell it if I need to…BUT…I will definitely need a car when I get back and I am months away from paying it off. I really didn't want to have to sell it. For a while now, calling the credit union my loan is through has been on my mind. Last week I finally bit the bullet and called. After explaining my situation to the lady and letting her know its ok if she thought I was being completely ridiculous for even asking, she asked if I could get my request in writing so she could present it to the board.  I immediately typed it up and put it in the mail.  She called back the next day and said that they were willing to do whatever they could to help out!  WHAT?!?!?!? She said they could treat this like they do for the military when they go on tours and such by cutting my payments in HALF! Amazing! 

To see God so obviously working is CRAZY in the best way! Not only has he provided these things but he has also provided time with my family that I usually have to miss out on because of work on the weekends. The last 2 Friday nights, I have been able to spend the night with my nephew and new little niece and spend most of the weekends with the whole family.  I don't know where this time is coming from but I am so thankful for every minute. I boohooed the whole way home last weekend when my nephew said he was sad that I had to go home…that kid knows how to get to me. 

Here's where I am as of now. I am still in need of support in all areas. I am definitely feeling your prayers..Thank you…and keep it up! Health insurance has been the most recent issue to come up. Since I am having to quit my job for this, I will no longer be covered once I leave…prayer that an affordable and decent health plan would be great! It is almost daily that something new comes up that needs working out. No doubt that God's got it taken care of already but I still would appreciate your prayers.  

My financial need is still a big one! I have received support already but I am definitely in need for more to cover the cost of my stay. A gigantic THANK YOU to everyone who has been so generous already! AND an even bigger thank you to Josh Brown! He is printing the support letters for me! You rock!

Love Triangle

Pa & Judd at the WWII ship…What a fun day!

Anslee holding Lillie Anne..gosh she is growing!

Lack of Joy=Lack of Mission

Sheevens gives great hugs…Cant wait for more!

I listened to a podcast by Tim Keller on Missions just 2 weeks ago.  Man, it is good!  If you are like me, you like knowing you have purpose and you are being used.  For years, I have searched for my "purpose" in life.  After trying to achieve what I thought would bring me happiness, and filling voids I hoped this world could fulfill, I never experienced joy.

  Tim Keller points out 3 features of missions:

1) Result of mission is ALWAYS joy. 

2) Power for mission is an encounter with God.

3) Requirement for missions is holiness.

The one that stuck out to me most was the first one.  The result of mission is ALWAYS JOY.  Lack of joy in your life is a lack of mission.  In other words, mission is a necessity for joy.  He says if you have lost joy, you are living a life for self and small ambitions. 

Since listening to this sermon (and a conversation I had with some ladies from church before I went to Haiti in the first place), I have thought about it over and over!  One of the most uncomfortable things for me to do (ever) is to ask for money.  You can ask my parents… I hate it!  But this message really got me thinking.  We are all called to do mission and we all have the same side effects from mission…JOY! Not everyone is called to do foreign missions, but some of us are.  I would love for everyone to be a part of this plan of God's in some way.  First,  I need prayer!  As I said in the first blog,  its really the only thing I have had from the start of this process and I will need more of it!  Prayer for even the things that I don't know to pray for!  Second, I need community…yes, even thousands of miles away!  Some great friends at church mentioned to me that they would love to start getting together and praying maybe once weekly now, and while I am there!  That is community at its finest and I want more of that!  And finally, (here goes) financial support.  Unfortunately, mission is always costly and requires a lot of sacrifice…indication that its worth it!  If you feel like you would want to be a part of this mission in any of these areas, I will very greatly appreciate it!  

The wonderful people at the Hands & Feet Project have set me up on a website that makes it easy for anyone who wants to support me financially.  Just go to this link: 

http://www.handsandfeetproject.org/sponsor-a-missionary     

You will be able to choose to make a monthly or one time payment.  

I still have no idea why God would choose me of all people to go so far to serve, but I am so thankful his plans are not mine…He has brought me a million times more joy since being back from Haiti, than I ever did in 26 years…I can only imagine what is to come!  And he is still going to use me! I say this to the ones that think they could never be used!  God loves and uses the "unusable"!