Much to be thankful for!

Thank you, Lord, for giving me an interview for a position I am actually excited about! Job hunting is a job in itself but today I couldn't wait to go on this interview. I am SO ready to be working again but have been thankful for the time I've had off. I have never looked so hard for a job but nothing has opened up. What a relief to even get an interview!

I didnt get a chance to write about my "God thing" yesterday but I am so blessed to have listened to a podcast yesterday that has really stuck with me. To quote Ray Ortlund " When life is hell and nothing is going right, AND you're experiencing God's nearness deep within, the reality is...THATS HEAVEN ON EARTH!". Man thats so good and really helps me look at my current season of life in a way that I wouldn't have.

God IS good...regardless of my circumstances and I have much to be thankful for!

Burr Rabbit!

Today, being unemployed has played to my advantage! As much as I would like to have a job...well an income...I secretly LOVE not having a job right now! What a cold, wet, and gloomy day. Perfect recipe for a book, coffee, and a blanket on the couch. So today, I did as this day called and enjoyed the day at home in my pj's reading a book that I cant get enough of! Great book and a great looking cover...Must be a brilliant graphic designer behind this book cover (Brian Bobel-Dual Identity).

Thankful I can enjoy the little things in life

I'm baaaack!

Gonna to cut to the chase here: As many of you already know I am home early from Haiti. To say that things didn't quite go as I had hoped is an understatement. I don't know that I am ready to share details of the hardships that I experienced but I believe I will eventually get to where I can open up about it more. This announcement is something I have avoided for a while because of the awkwardness but I have managed to draw it out so long that it may be more awkward now...awesome!

I thought I would be blogging more about Haiti but the plans have changed a bit, I guess. The last 2 months have been the hardest months of my life and the best all at the same time. If you have read my week 1 blog then you know how hard that was for me. The rest of my time there went that times 10, plus the exhaustion didn't help. I met some remarkable people that work at the orphanage and I cannot tell you how much I admire them for what they do. Its far from an easy task to live there (physically, mentally, emotionally, and spiritually) but they do it! I can only imagine the crowns they will be given in heaven!

I in no way doubt the call from God for me to go to Haiti because I know things happened in order for me to go that honestly should not have happened. My attitude almost the entire time I have been home has been that of Debbie Downer! Gross! It has been so natural and easy for me to be mad at God and ask him "What in the world have you done? I gave up everything (ok, not everything) to obey the call, it failed, and I am home with no vision to what you are doing!". A week ago I had a wonderful opportunity to meet with a man who knew everything that went on in Haiti and he knows first hand and thing or two about Haiti himself. I see this man every week...one of the most genuine people I have ever met. He was able to relate to me on Haiti in a way most aren't able to relate. Little did I know, this man knows suffering on a level that you wish you knew it but hoped you never had learn the way he did (unfortunately it doesn't happen that way). This man was put in prison for something that ultimately was not guilty for. His words after he told me his story was incredible. He said he would not take anything for the 3 years he spent in prison. This man has seen this devastating experience as a total gift from God. This is true Christian suffering. I had just been reading the book of Job 1:6-12 that morning. To quickly summarize, God gives Satan permission to test Job but also tells Satan what he can and cannot do to Job. The only reason God allowed Satan to do this is because God knew that this would do the very opposite of what Satan was trying to accomplish. Job never knew why but had faith...and we are able to read about him a few thousand years later. Amazing!

I know I am rambling but I am going somewhere here! Since things in Haiti didn't turn out like I had hoped, this blog is also turning out a little differently. I have zoomed in on the things that aren't going the way I think they should, so I want to start focusing on the things that I have been blessed with. To hold me accountable, I'm going to use this blog daily to track the "God things" in my life.

February 25- I was able to meet with a lady that I admire so much and she has been so kind to be a mentor to me. Thankful for this woman and her lovely family! By the way, V- the CD's are wonderful...I sat in the driveway because I couldn't stop listening! You are a blessing!

Week 1- How long, O Lord?

My first week at Hands and Feet in Grand Goave is complete and the start of my second is here. The week started out rough in the traveling here. I will be the first to go on the record and say that I loathe the Port Au Prince airport. Don't go by yourself unless you have thick skin. A team came in the same day I did so I was able to do basically a mission trip with them. They were great people and was so thankful to meet them. A few things that we did was just painting around the orphanage mostly then one day went up to the new location about a mile up the road and helped lay the concrete for the foundation...by hand! We literally made long lines and we passed buckets with concrete down the line. It was brutal but so much fun to work with the Haitians on that. No one knew what each other was saying but somehow there was order and understanding...I love when that happens. The team left out Friday morning and to be honest, I so wanted to go home with them.

I am in a really dark place right now. I have had more downtime than I am use to and that gives me more time to miss everyone at home. I don't feel a calling here anymore and truthfully didnt at about a month before I left. I am praying that God will comfort me and its not happening...at all. I am in the word multiple times daily and although I am reading what I know to be true, I just dont feel it at the time. I dont feel like I can be used here. The language barrier is more difficult than it was the first time I was here. My head pounds at the end of each day I think from concentrating on them speaking and trying to understand. The joy that I experienced the first time is not here and that was something I didn't expect. I am an emotional ticking time bomb and when I feel a meltdown I head to my room which takes time away from me being with the kids. The kids are great and the missionaries (Angie and Andrew) are phenomenal! If it wasnt for them and Angie listening to me breakdown, I would be home right now.

I didnt expect things to be easy. I knew I would be up for a fight in knowing why I am here but I also felt like I could feel the comfort from the one who sent me here. Last night I was able to skype with my care group back home. You guys are awesome and I truly did not realize until this week how blessed I am to have people that I can be completely honest on where I am in my life...no matter how high or how low I am. They gave me verse after verse to confirm that I am where I am supposed to be although I don't feel that. I wish I could remember who gave me this one because this is exactly how I feel:

Psalm 13
1 How long, O LORD? Will you forget me forever? How long will you hide your face from me?
2 How long must I take counsel in my soul and have sorrow in my heart all the day? How long shall my enemy be exalted over me?
3 Consider and answer me, O LORD my God; light up my eyes, lest I sleep the sleep of death,
4 lest my enemy say, "I have prevailed over him," lest my foes rejoice because I am shaken.
5 But I have trusted in your steadfast love; my heart shall rejoice in your salvation.
6 I will sing to the LORD, because he has dealt bountifully with me.

This week I am hoping to start a Bible study with the girls...I hope for 2 nights a week. I want to take the relationships here deeper and I cant think of a better way. Pray this is well received with the girls!

I want to enjoy it here and be used but I don't see the light at the end of the tunnel...I have such a long way left to go! This week is a new week and this morning is a new morning. Please pray for strength...I am all out! Thank you for all the encouragement you have given me so far...it means more than you know!

LB


Me and Emmanuel...Sweet boy!

Happy New Year from Haiti!

These kids don't mess around when they celebrate the new year! Singing praise songs with maracas and whistles...Wonderful! I am taking a breather. Hashtag for it would be #loudasallgetout. Dinner was a weenie roast with s'mores...Like being at home!

Hope you all have a wonderful New Years! So thankful to start this year off like this!

LB

T Minus 3 days!

Three days until take off! I leave out at 6am on Saturday and the reality of this is setting in. I have no idea how to even begin to put in words all the emotions that are running through me right now. Sad, nervous, scared, excited...just to name a few. I am so sad to leave my family and friends right now its not even funny. I am nervous just because I guess of the unknown. I know once I actually get to Haiti I am going to be in the same mind frame that I was in when I came back. Part of me wishes I wouldn't have waited 5 months to go back because I feel like some of the momentum has died down but I know this is God's timing and that is perfect. I guess its human to lose momentum if its not something you are emersed in but it was definitely something I didnt think I would ever forget. One of my favorite quotes is by C.S. Lewis in The Weight of Glory "We are half-hearted creatures, fooling about with drink and sex and ambitions when infinite joy is offered us, like an ignorant child who wants to go on making mud pies in a slum because he cannot imagine what is meant by the offer of a holiday at the sea. We are far too easily pleased.". I am like the ignorant child right now...and I have even experienced that joy in Haiti before! Not saying that my family and friends aren't that important but that God's plan is so much bigger than all of that. I am an idiot! I have the worlds worst memory but I definitely remember everything that I thought when I was in Haiti and when I came home but I cant remember that emotion. If I could currently feel that, I believe it would override the sadness, nerves, and worry. Like we say at church, I am "walking in the light". Being transparent. I will be the first to say, following God can be so hard! I still have no idea what my gifts are that will be used at this point and not a clue what all God is going to do. That is something that is exciting to me right now. Not to mention a completely new chapter in my life. Eighteen weeks really is not that long and I know that at the end of it all, I am going to wish I had more time there.

Today was a sweet Christmas Day. This was the first year I can honestly say I did not want anything materialistic...although mom and Pa gave me new garden boots...its my equivalent of a Michael Kors watch or something. Mud will look great on these boots! But all joking aside, I loved being with the family. The kids are loud and sometimesI get cranky but I am still thankful for the chaos! I definitely think I reflected on that more this year than ever because of me going to Haiti.

I would appreciate any prayers you have time to pray for me. I have a way of making a joke out of anything to avoid sadness or something serious but I am not even able to do that at this point. Please pray that God will just give me grace that I would go whole-heartedly, not even have a chance to miss home, and complete what he is sending me to do. 

LB

Thank you thank you!!!!

I am so blessed to be able to say that you all have funded my mission to Haiti! You all are awesome and I am so thankful God has surrounded me with strong supporters of spreading the gospel! I know what a sacrifice you all made in order to give so generously and I cannot thank you enough!

Now that everything is fully funded and there is no longer the need for anyone to donate money. In the next week I will be getting together a list of other needs that I will be able to take with me for the kids at the orphanage or the missionaries as well as just a few items I need that you may have lying around your house! I will be updating again in the next week or so....so be on the look out!

Thank you again to everyone who financially supported this!